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ARTICLES > HUMOUR


THE BEST ONE-LINE JOKES OF 2014

Tags:   Fun,   Jokes,   Summer '14

By The Swag Team   -  August 21, 2014


   Fun malta,  Jokes malta,  Summer '14 malta,  THE BEST ONE-LINE JOKES OF 2014 malta, Humour malta, Swag Mens Online Magazine Malta

August is the month when the cream of British comedy goes to Edinburgh in Scotland to perform their latest material at a festival known as The Fringe. Each year the British TV channel Dave carries out a poll among audiences to decide that edition’s best one-line jokes by stand-up comedians. Apart from sharing this fantastic top 10 of wit, SWAG asked seven local funny people their favourite one-liner of all time.

 

Audiences voted for Tim Vine’s offering as the best one-line joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year. Vine had come to Malta and performed at one of the first LOL stand up comedy shows way back in 2004, proving very popular with the locals. Since then he has made a living out of stand shows featuring quick fire one-line jokes, silly songs and short, observational humour vignettes.

 

Have a giggle with the Edinburgh Top 10 and then check out the Maltese humourists' favourites. After that enjoy a clip of a typical Tim Vine routine.

 

THE TOP 10


1. 'I’ve decided to sell my hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.' – Tim Vine

 

2. 'I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set.' – Masai Graham

 

3. 'Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief.' – Mark Watson

 

4. 'I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s.' – Bec Hill

 

5. 'I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me.' – Ria Lina

 

6. 'Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.' – Paul F Taylor

 

7. 'Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying.' – Scott Capurro

 

8. 'I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own arsehole.' – Kevin Day

 

9. 'I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven.' – Jason Cook

 

10. 'This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it.' – Felicity Ward

 

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

 

'I go to the kebab shop so much that when they call me boss in there it's less a term of affection, more an economic reality.' – Ed Gamble

 

'Leadership looks fun, but it's stressful. Just look at someone leading a conga.' – James Acaster

 

'I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.' – Sara Pascoe

 

  MALCOLM ALDEN

MALCOLM ALDEN malta,  ''I left my girlfriend after her obsession with tupperware. She couldn't contain herself.'' 
 malta,  Fun malta,  Jokes malta,  Summer '14 malta,  THE BEST ONE-LINE JOKES OF 2014 malta, Humour malta, Swag Mens Online Magazine Malta

MALCOLM ALDEN

''I left my girlfriend after her obsession with tupperware. She couldn't contain herself.''



  MARIE-CLAIRE PELLEGRINI

MARIE-CLAIRE PELLEGRINI malta,  My favourite all time one-liner is Captain Blackadder's retort to Nurse Mary's explanation on the benefits of smoking in an episode of TV comedy  Blackadder Goes Forth . Being a nurse myself makes it all the more poignant... 

   

 Nurse Mary (blows smoke in Edmond’s face):  A man should smoke. It acts as an expectorant and gives his voice a deep, gravelly, masculine tone.  

   

 Blackadder:  God, I love nurses; they’re so disgustingly clinical!  
 malta,  Fun malta,  Jokes malta,  Summer '14 malta,  THE BEST ONE-LINE JOKES OF 2014 malta, Humour malta, Swag Mens Online Magazine Malta

MARIE-CLAIRE PELLEGRINI

My favourite all time one-liner is Captain Blackadder's retort to Nurse Mary's explanation on the benefits of smoking in an episode of TV comedy Blackadder Goes Forth. Being a nurse myself makes it all the more poignant...

 

Nurse Mary (blows smoke in Edmond’s face): A man should smoke. It acts as an expectorant and gives his voice a deep, gravelly, masculine tone.

 

Blackadder: God, I love nurses; they’re so disgustingly clinical!



  STEVE HILI

STEVE HILI malta,  I could never tell my mum that I am an atheist.  She would be so disappointed she would die.   Then, after she died, she would be disappointed again.   
 malta,  Fun malta,  Jokes malta,  Summer '14 malta,  THE BEST ONE-LINE JOKES OF 2014 malta, Humour malta, Swag Mens Online Magazine Malta

STEVE HILI
Photo credit:  Jacob Sammut

I could never tell my mum that I am an atheist. She would be so disappointed she would die. Then, after she died, she would be disappointed again. 



  MALCOLM GALEA

MALCOLM GALEA malta,  I once had to give a hand-job to a leper. It was hard at first but in the end I pulled it off. 
 malta,  Fun malta,  Jokes malta,  Summer '14 malta,  THE BEST ONE-LINE JOKES OF 2014 malta, Humour malta, Swag Mens Online Magazine Malta

MALCOLM GALEA

I once had to give a hand-job to a leper. It was hard at first but in the end I pulled it off.



  PAWLU BORG BONACI

PAWLU BORG BONACI malta,   *Knock knock*  

  Who's there?  

 MOOO! 

 Mooo who? 

 Mooo hudu f-s@#%$^%... 
 malta,  Fun malta,  Jokes malta,  Summer '14 malta,  THE BEST ONE-LINE JOKES OF 2014 malta, Humour malta, Swag Mens Online Magazine Malta

PAWLU BORG BONACI
Photo credit:  John Borg Photography

*Knock knock*

Who's there?

MOOO!

Mooo who?

Mooo hudu f-s@#%$^%...



  JOSEPH ZAMMIT

JOSEPH ZAMMIT malta,  What's the difference between a chickpea and a legume? I wouldn't pay 200 euros to have a legume on my face... 
 malta,  Fun malta,  Jokes malta,  Summer '14 malta,  THE BEST ONE-LINE JOKES OF 2014 malta, Humour malta, Swag Mens Online Magazine Malta

JOSEPH ZAMMIT
Photo credit:  Jacob Sammut

What's the difference between a chickpea and a legume? I wouldn't pay 200 euros to have a legume on my face...



  MALCOLM VELLA KING

MALCOLM VELLA KING malta,  What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. 
 malta,  Fun malta,  Jokes malta,  Summer '14 malta,  THE BEST ONE-LINE JOKES OF 2014 malta, Humour malta, Swag Mens Online Magazine Malta

MALCOLM VELLA KING

What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.




Edinburgh Fringe best one liner winner Tim Vine doing one of his typical routines




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