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ARTICLES > LIFESTYLE/HUMOUR


AND YOU THOUGHT THE MANKINI WAS BAD?

Tags:   Celebrities,   Outdoors,   Fashion,   Summer '14,   ,   Beach

By The Swag Team   -  June 13, 2014



Most of us took Borat’s fluorescent green mankini as the joke it was meant to be, but there apparently seems to have been a section of the male population who believed it was not only the height of new beach fashion, but could also be improved upon. Enter the half-thong mankini hybrid.

This abomination was recently spotted being worn by British Z-list celebrities poolside on Spanish holiday islands. One local witness, a female staffer at SWAG, even claims to have seen it being worn by a man on the beach in the area near St Peter’s Pool known as il-Kalanka.

 

It seems that the penchant for certain men revealing way more than they need to has now gone out of control. Think about how Cristiano Ronaldo and the likes of David Beckham seem to appear topless at every concievable opportunity, and relate that to the amount of photos of bronzed, tattooed torsos featuring in bathtub instagrams and beach party selfies you can’t seem to avoid on Facebook any more.

 

Experts have already spawned a word for this kind of man. It’s goodbye to the “metrosexual” and hello to the “spornosexual”.

 

He is the sex- and body-obsessed man who spends half his life at the gym, is chiseled and tanned and often, as is the norm nowadays, extensively tattooed. He opts to spend all his money and time on his physical upkeep, and then proceeds to spend the other half of his life showing off the results, to everyone under the sun. A little bit like that bloke with the violin at Eurovision who now does makeover shows on TV.

 

This new breed of male thinks nothing of using products and doing things that were formerly the exclusive domain of women and the traditional stereotype of gay men. This means a ton of hair products, body and face creams, make-up, preening oneself in the mirror… and wearing as little as possible, particularly on the beach.

 

The man who invented the term “metrosexual” two decades ago, Mark Simpson, has been quoted by the New York Times as saying that the term “spornosexual” comes from a combination of sport and porn, as in, he writes: “Sport got into bed with porn while Giorgio Armani took pictures.”  


The newspaper spoke to a Manhattan-based psychotherapist, Kim Schneiderman, who observed that: "It's hard to say if “spornosexuality” is a product of a body-obsessed culture that idolizes sports figures, or is a backlash against an increasingly egalitarian culture with less pronounced role definition between the genders.”

 

Whatever it is, it’s definitely alive and spreading, making perfectly normal, good-looking straight and gay men who certainly don’t need to go that far to be admired for their physical attractiveness, take the dubious decision of wearing the kind of joke swimwear that was previously only the domain of a wild hen night or a his ‘n’ hers lingerie catalogue.

 

And how on Earth does it stay on anyway? Is there an invisible string holding it up on the other side of the, erm, bag? SWAG can only investigate so far, and that would have been crossing the line.

 

Whatever next? Elephant trunk codpiece Speedos down at Exiles?

 

Batten down the hatches and lock up your daughters, quick. And as our SWAG colleague exclaimed: “For heaven’s sake, it’s a public beach. Think of the children…”



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